


When the Bough Breaks

by Devaigh



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Child Loss, Depression, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Heavy Angst, Infertility, Medical Conditions, Medical Trauma, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Self-Doubt, Tags Contain Spoilers, Tags May Change, Trigger Warnings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 14:30:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16306982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devaigh/pseuds/Devaigh
Summary: Sometimes things don't go according to plan. Sometimes the pain never stops. But can there be hope, even under the darkest clouds?PLEASE READ the TAGS! Heavy topics Ahead!





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> For those that don't know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. October 15th is the specific day during the month that honors those who have lived thought the pain of losing a child. This story is came from a post a dear friend made this morning, shedding light on her journey.

_Present_

 

She knew it was coming. 

As surely as the morning dawned, she could almost pinpoint the moment it happened. She felt it. 

A tiny, almost unnoticed tug, deep within her womb. 

She was instantly awake. 

Then, the tears began to fall. 

 

* * * *

Claire slowly rose from the comfort of her bed, moving tunelessly towards the bathroom. Her breath was tight, a roaring sound rushing past her ears, as she closed the door behind her. She knew she happened, but couldn't bring herself to look. 

Yet she knew. 

The smear of red soaking the fabric between her thighs only served to taunt her, the pain rolling through her abdomen mocking her grief. Claire felt herself slide slowly down to the floor, crumpling into herself with a deep wracking sob. 

How was she going to tell him? 

Her mind was still buzzing, her thoughts clouded with tears when oblivion took her once more. 

 

***********

 

_2.5 months earlier_

“Sassenach?” 

The deep, gentle sound of her husband's voice came muffled from his side of the door, yet Claire Fraser was rooted to the spot in front of the sink. In her hands, was the proof that she had prayed for, and dreaded all at once. 

The small stick, gripped tightly between her fingers, a delicate set of lines displayed clearly within the tiny oval window. 

She was pregnant. Again. 

“Claire? ...Mo nighean donn, please say something.” The handle of the door rattled, bringing her gaze to own red rimmed eyes, staring back at her. 

“Um..yes. I'm...” her words came out choked, the pressure in her chest was heavy, as she turned, unlocking the door. Whisky eyes met blue, as she stepped into the strength of his arms. 

“So.. you're..” 

Jamie could feel the shudder running through her as he pressed a kiss into her curls. She nodded, seeking shelter in the hollow of his chest. 

“We're okay, Sassenach. We'll be fine.” He whispered into her ear. Silent tears ran down his face as he looked up, hoping that this time, their prayers would be heard. 

 

***********

_Present_

 

Jamie made his way up the three flights to their apartment barely containing his grin. He had just landed a huge deal that would put the company into great standing for the next quarter. Having stopped to grab takeout, his thoughts were on his wife. 

He hadn't heard from her today, despite several texts he had sent. Jamie swore that she had the day off, but as a surgeon, her schedule was always subject to change. It wasn't uncommon to not hear from her for several hours when she was at the hospital. 

As soon as his key turned in the lock and the door swung open, Jamie just _knew_ something was wrong. For one, the apartment was pitch black, and silent. 

“Sassenach?” he called out, one large hand groping for the switch just inside the door. As light flooded the entryway, he stepped inside, closing the door as he made his way towards the kitchen, turning on lights as he went. 

“Claire?” The hairs on the back of his neck rose. Jamie could feel a strange, energy surrounding him, he set his bags on the counter. There was still no sign of his wife. 

Once established that she wasn't in the bedroom, Jamie somewhat relaxed. She wasn't here, clearly he was just over thinking things. Shaking his head, he made his way towards the bathroom, intending on a shower before Claire made it home. 

His heart shattered at the sight that lay inside against the cold tile floor.


	2. Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News isn't always good.

**September, 2014**

Claire danced across the locker room, on the way to grab the rest of her things, her wild hair finally loose about her shoulders after a long shift. Her heart was so incredibly full, and she couldn't wait for the moment she could slip into the bed beside her husband, and share the news they had both been hoping for. 

Finally, after almost 7 months, she was pregnant. 

 

Images flashed before her eyes, a tiny child with flaming curls just like his father, toddling after her, Jamie swinging a laughing child into his arms, lazy Sundays inside homemade pillow forts, playing with cousins, bedtime stories and sugary smiles. 

The topic of children had been one of joy for them, even early into their marriage of two years, Claire knew Jamie would make a wonderful father. Seeing him with his nieces and nephews only added to her longing to start a family. 

They had met several years prior when Claire was still resident at the hospital in Inverness when Jamie had come to visit his sister Jenny for the birth of her first born on a rainy day in March. Claire had happened to be on rotation to assist with the birth of wee Jamie. During her rounds to check up on Jenny post birth, Claire had quite literally run into Jamie as she turned a corner. She had been rather occupied reading the chart in her hands that she didn't notice the giant Scot until she made contact with his large frame. 

After catching her from falling to to floor, unlike the clipboard that slipped from her fingers, Jamie, had laughed and teased her earnestly about falling for him at first sight and walked away with her number, leaving a blush rising from her cheeks and her heartbeat thrumming in her ears. 

Their first date quickly led to another, and soon Claire had packed up what little she owned and moved in to Jamie's flat in Edinburgh after her residency ended the following summer. She took a job at the hospital there, while Jamie worked at the small publishing company he owned. By the following December, they were engaged. They married in the June of the next year. 

As she walked into the small apartment where they now lived, Claire was pleasantly surprised to see Jamie still awake, sitting at the table, bent over his computer. A large stack of papers sat at his elbow, beside a cold cup of coffee. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, Claire nuzzled her way to the soft skin under his jaw. 

“Hey you.” She murmured. 

He laughed, a gentle deep rumble. “Hey yourself, Sassenach.” 

Jamie tipped his head down, kissing the exposed skin of her wrist. 

“It's rather late, love. I didn't expect you to still be awake.” 

“Aye, I ken that, but I needed to get a start on this report. Time got away from me.” 

He turned, in his seat, pulling her into his lap. 

“I'm no complaining though, cause yer home now.” 

She grinned. “Yes. We're home now.” 

“Aye and I thought we could...” He stopped, catching her eyes, as they sparkled merrily back at him. “Wait...we?”

“We.” she nodded, drawing his hand to rest on her abdomen. 

His jaw dropped. “Ah Dia...” His eyes shot back to hers, as he blinked furiously. “Truly? Yer pregnant?” 

“I am. “ She whispered, pressing her forehead to his. “We're going to be parents.” 

Suddenly, he stood, sweeping her into his arms as he spun them around the kitchen. “ This is wonderful news! Ah Dia Claire...” His arms cradled her against him, capturing her lips in a heated kiss. 

Several long moments later, he turned, ducking through the door way towards the bedroom. He placed her gently on their bed, leaning down to kiss her once more. Her fingers dug into the curls at the nape of his neck, holding him close. 

“You're happy Jamie?” She whispered, tears shining in her eyes. 

“Aye, Sassenach.” he replied, running one hand protectively across her stomach. He moved down, pressing a kiss just under her belly button. 

“Hello wee one. It's yer Da. I canna wait to meet ye.” 

She laughed. “It can't hear you yet, Jamie.” 

“Doesna matter, Sassenach. It's never too early to love.” 

 

* * * * * * * * *

**Present.**

_Sorcha..._

But her light was gone. 

Jamie dropped to his knees beside his wife, curled into herself on the floor. Her face was flushed, dried tears marked her cheeks where she had cried herself to sleep. He reached out to her, shocked at the chill of her skin. 

“Claire..” 

She was still in the clothes she wore to bed, and Jamie noticed the deep red splotch between her thighs, the edges turning a dusty orange. It was clear enough what happened. And yet, he hadn't known. He had not been here for her. 

Jamie swallowed thickly, as the all too familiar ice stabbed at his heart. Claire had lost the baby. 

He bent over, scooping her into his arms, tucking her head into his shoulder as he leaned back against the bathroom door. He could feel her stirring, her body responding to his touch. With a small gasp, she woke, her voice cracked and small. 

“Jamie..” 

“Hush mo chridhe. I'm here now.”

“Jamie...” her voice broke once more as sobs wracked her small frame. Jamie could feel his heart breaking with each gasp of air as she fell apart in his arms her tears seeping into the fabric of his shirt. 

“I...I'm...ss-sorry..” 

“NO.” He said more forcefully than he intended. He caught her wince, her eyes squeezed shut against the pain coursing through her. His voice softened, though his words remained firm. “Don't ye dare apologize Claire! Ye dinna have anything to be sorry for.” 

“But..” 

“I said no. Do ye hear me?” He pressed his fingers under her chin. “Look at me Claire. D'ye understand”

Her eyes fluttered open, and the sheer force of her heartbreak stole the breath from his body. 

“...Yes.” She whispered, so soft he thought he imagined it. 

“Good. Now let's get ye cleaned up, and I'll feed ye.” Jamie said quietly, easing them both up off the floor. He sat her gently down on the counter as he turned towards the shower. Once the steam started to appear he first stripped her of her clothing, his heart clenching at the lifeless expression carved into her face as she stared blankly at the opposite wall. 

He shed his own clothes, and moved to gather her once more into his arms before stepping under the steady stream. Setting her down, Claire remained standing, as Jamie started to gently wash first her hair, combing through her curls with his fingers. She stood facing him, her eyes closed, her head tipped back into his hands. He kissed her eyelids, then her nose, pressing his forehead against hers. 

His chest ached, with every breath he took, as he began to wash her body, taking extra care wipe the discoloration between her legs. As he knelt in front of her, her hands rose, gripping his shoulders, her nails biting into his skin. 

Jamie looked up, as the last traces of red swirled in the water below and touched his lips to the smooth skin of her stomach. Claire bit her lip as her eyes spilled over with tears once more. 

 

Once Jamie got them both out of the shower, dressed and fed, he wrapped Claire in a large blanket, setting her on the couch as he stripped and remade the bed with fresh linens. 

At last he retrieved her from her nest and carried her back to their bed, wrapping her into his arms as they let sleep take them.


	3. Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things don't go according to plan.

**_November 2014,_ **

“Jamie! We're going to be late!” Claire called from the hall as she grabbed her coat. She made a mental note to purchase a new one soon. Winter in Scotland was no joke, and she would need the extra room as her pregnancy progressed.

“Aye, Sassenach. I'm ready.” her husband appeared, grinning broadly. “I wasna planning on missing today.” He grabbed his own coat from the rack, along with his keys from the dish beside the door. “Let's go meet our wean, Then I'll take ye out to lunch.”

Claire smiled, standing on her toes to meet his lips in a quick kiss. “Food sounds great. But we're going to miss the appointment all together if we don't leave.”

“Aye. Let's get going.” He laughed, as she pulled him out the door.”

* * * * * * * * * * * 

“There it is!” The elderly technician said, pointing at the screen. “It's no so much to looks at yet, but the heartbeat sounds strong.” She turned towards them, her kind eyes full of warmth. “Congratulations to ye both.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Fitz.” Claire replied, smiling wide. She turned to Jamie, whose eyes were still fixed to the screen, watching as the fuzzy picture pulsed across the monitor, where the evidence of their love was displayed. The picture was small, but Claire could just see the gentle slope of a head, and the curve of the spine of their child. The whooshing sound of the tiny heartbeat within her was clear and louder than she expected, coming from the small speakers beside the monitor.

Jamie blinked, his eyes shining with tears barely kept at bay. He squeezed her hand, bringing it towards him as he pressed a searing kiss to her palm.

“Thank ye Claire. For the gift of our child.” he sat up a little straighter. “And thank ye, Mistress.” he nodded at Mrs. Fitz. “We're verra happy.”

“Aye, I ken ye are.” She nodded towards Claire, Well, let's get ye cleaned up dearie, and I'll get ye both the photos of yer wee bairn to take home aye?”

“Thank you, Mrs. Fitz.” Claire said once the gel had been removed from her stomach. Carefully, she sat up, leaning on Jamie as she made to get down from the exam table. Her free hand went almost automatically to her midsection, pressing lightly. She could feel Jamie behind her, moving to nuzzle her neck.

“Here ye are dears,” Mrs. Fitz said, holding out a small envelope. Jamie reached out, taking it before placing the envelope in the pocket of his coat.

“And remember yer next visit a month from now. Mary will get ye scheduled on yer way out.”

“Of course. See you then!” Claire waved at the older woman as Jamie placed her coat around her shoulders. Once they stopped by the reception desk they made their way out towards the car. It had started to snow and Jamie kept a firm grip on Claire's elbow to keep her from slipping.

“Where would ye like to eat, Sassenach?”

“I could go for a really good burger right now.”

“So Bennet’s” ?

She grinned. It's like you read my mind.

“It's no that hard, Sassenach.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

“I like this one.” Claire paused, in front of a large display of cribs, her fingers tracing the dark stained wood. There was a matching table to the left of the crib, along with a wide-seated rocking chair.

“Aye, that one is bonny.” Jamie walked up behind her, one hand reaching to rest comfortably on her hip. “Is this the one ye want then?”

“Mmm..yes. I think so. I'd like to get everything we can as soon as possible so we're not rushing around when the time comes. You know how both of our schedules can be.”

“Aye.” Jamie replied, kissing her temple. “ It's decided then. I'll go find someone to help, and you can go look at getting the things ye wanted.”

He walked off then, leaving Claire alone. She grinned as she spotted a large, stuffed bear. Taking it from the shelf, she hugged it to her chest, her fingers digging into the soft red fur.

* * * * * * * * * * * 

“It's perfect!”

Claire stood in to doorway of the former guest room. She and Jamie had both spent the majority of the weekend converting the spare bedroom of their apartment into a nursery. The soft yellow walls appeared almost a deep gold under the evening sunlight filtering through the window. Jamie grinned from his place beside the crib as he attached a mobile over one end.

“Tis bonny, no?” he laughed, coming to her side. “At least for the moment. We'll have everything finished before the bairn gets here.” He reached down, running his hand over her stomach. The swell of her bump was very slight, just starting to show.

“Hmm..” She grinned, placing her hand over his. “I can't wait.”

“Neither can I Sassenach, Neither can I.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

**_December 18th, 2014_**

 

“I still say it's a lad.” Jamie teased, squeezing her hand. “The first of many.”

“Is that right? And what if you're wrong?” Claire shot back, laughter in her eyes. “What if we have a beautiful little girl with flaming red hair, just like her Da?”

“Then ye ken she'll have me wrapped around her little finger.”

“Oh there's no doubt of that.”

“I'm so sorry to keep ye waiting dears!” Mrs Fitz said as she bustled into the room. “We're a wee bit short staffed today, ye ken.”

“Ach... It's no trouble Mrs. Fitz” Jamie said with a small wave. “We're just debating on what the bairn will be.”

“I see. Well hopefully, the bairn will cooperate and let us get a look aye?” She hummed as she pulled on her gloves. Claire lifted her shirt, scooting to get comfortable. She hissed as Mrs. Fitz applied the gel to her stomach.

“I know dearie, tis cold.” the older woman nodded. She turned towards the screen, wand in hand as the monitor suddenly came to life.

“There's our wee lad.” Jamie said with a grin, nudging Claire's side. His smile faded slight at the frown spreading across her face. “Sassenach..? What's wrong?”

Claire pushed herself on her elbows. Her eyes focused hard on the screen. Jamie looked between the two women, sitting up straight. “What is it?”

Mrs. Fitz looked turned towards them. “Oh, Claire...I'm..I'm so sorry.”

“WHAT?” Jamie stood, his eyes flicking between them. “Will one of ye tell me what's going on?”

“I..”

He focused on Claire, who had crumpled on the table. Her whisky eyes wide, and bright with tears.

“There's no heartbeat.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Jaime was numb. He sat there, still as stone before the doctor's desk, in a chair too small for his large frame. All he could feel was the slight pressure of Claire's fingers wrapped in his hand. He could feel her trembling he glanced over, his heart breaking at the sight of his beautiful, proud wife as she listened to what the doctor was saying. Her head bobbed, in response to something that was said, and Jamie saw the silent tears streaming from her eyes. Her other hand was pressed against her swelling stomach and Jamie leaned over, pulling her closer to him. With a choked sigh, she broke, her head turning into his chest as they both went to pieces.

* * * * * * * * * * * 

What d'ye mean a bràthair? Why are ye and Claire no coming home this year?”

Jamie sighed, Because Janet,” he bit off, rubbing at a spot between his eyes. His voice was hoarse, and cracked when he spoke. “Claire, she...we lost the babe.”

The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening.

“”Oh, a bràthair? I'm so sorry.” Jenny's voice wavered. “”What happened?”

“I'm no sure I can properly explain.” he said, breathing heavy. “We came for her appointment, and we learned the bairn died verra recently. “We're at the hospital now, Claire has to..” he swallowed, his voice breaking. “They have to take the baby. She has to deliver. The doctors said it could kill her if they dinna remove it.”

“Are ye still in Edinburgh?

“Aye.”

“I'm on my way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey All! Thanks so much to all my readers who have been following this story! My goal was to get this chapter up before Season 4 premiers, so please excuse any minor errors. Also I know it's a bit of a short chapter, but I promise much more is coming!


	4. Christmas Day, 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week after Claire and Jamie receive devastating news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love to MClairefras for her guidance and support with this chapter. <3

When Jamie woke, Claire wasn't in bed. Propping himself up on an elbow he reached over to her side, only to find it was cold. Frowning, he rubbed his eyes as he turned towards the clock. 7:30am. 

“Sassenach?” he called out softly. He untangled himself from the bedclothes and made his way to the bathroom. There still wasn't a sign of Claire, though he assumed she had fallen asleep on the couch again. 

It had been one week since they had learned their child had died in utero. Claire had undergone surgery and had only been released and at home for a few days. She had been given time off from work as she recovered and Jamie had decided to take an early extended leave as well.

As he moved towards the living room, Jamie's breath caught at the sight of the nursery door cracked open. Neither one of them had stepped inside since before their last appointment, before their happiness had been shattered. 

Claire sat in the rocking chair, wrapped in a blanket Jenny had made. Her arms were locked around a large, fuzzy, red bear and in her lap, Jamie could just see the framed picture of her first ultrasound. 

“Mo chridhe..” Jamie whispered, moving at once to her side. Kneeling, he reached up, cupping her face with one hand, his thumb wiping at the moisture still clinging to her eyelashes. Her eyes were dull, unfocused. Jamie was startled at the chill of her skin, despite the heavy blanket draped across her shoulders. 

“Claire..” his voice, little more than a whisper reached her and she blinked, her eyes finally finding his own. 

“Sassenach, how long have ye been in here? Ye were no in bed when I woke.”

She blinked once more, then shrugged, before looking away. It hurt, looking at him, seeing the sorrow in his eyes. Claire knew deep down that Jamie didn't blame her for what had happened to their child, but she still couldn't reconcile her wild thoughts. Every time she caught him looking at her, the sadness in his features, the way he spoke to her, timid, as though she would break. Perhaps she already had.

“Claire.” Jamie said more firmly. “Look at me.” He gently touched her chin, turning meeting her eyes once more. “Ye canna do this to yerself. I canna stand seeing ye so. Ye have hardly slept in days.. Mo chridhe, yer tearin my guts out, Claire.”

It was the wrong thing to say. 

Shocked, Claire stared, wide-eyed even as fresh tears formed. Pushing herself up out of the chair as quickly as she could she rounded on Jamie, who rolled back onto his heels. The picture and bear flying, forgotten from her lap. 

“I'm tearing YOUR guts out?” she snarled, her voice cracked. “How could you even...WHY would you even say that to me?” she wiped furiously at the streaks now running down her face. “My child was ripped from my body, not even a week ago, but I'm the one tearing YOUR guts out?”

“Claire, that's no what I mean, and ye ken it well,” he spouted quickly as he scrambled to his feet. “I only meant that it pains me to see ye like this.”

“Like this? What are you having problems coming to terms with the fact that your wife is broken? That I can't even manage to do the one thing a woman is supposed to do?” She turned away as a fresh sob stole her breath. “That I lost our child?” 

“NO.” He grabbed her by the shoulders, tugging her to face him once more. “Ye canna blame yerself Sassenach. It's no yer fault.” 

“You do.”

“No, mo chridhe, I dinna blame ye. I never will.’’ Jamie kissed her forehead, and pulled her into his arms. She struggled, trying to break his grip. 

“I'm broken and you keep treating me like you're afraid of me!” Claire beat her first against his arm. “Let go of me!”

“NO Claire. I willna let ye go. Yer no broken.”

“How can you say that Jamie? You heard the doctor. You heard what he said.”

“Aye, Sassenach. I heard the man. Doesna mean I understand him, or remember all that he said. I was more worrit for ye.”

She pulled away, pressing her hands against his shoulders as she stared up at him. Her eyes focused on his. 

“I don't know if we can get pregnant again.”

“If we canna have a bairn of our own mo chridhe, I still have ye. I canna live...I willna live without ye.”

Claire felt the heat rise in her cheeks. “Are you saying you don't care that our child died?”

“That's no what I said.” His eyes darkened, his tone serious. “Of course I cared. I still care. How could ye think that of me?”

She turned away, but he pulled her back to face him. “Claire, I love ye. Dinna think otherwise. Seeing ye like this, it pains me.” He cupped her face in one large palm. “I have no stopped grieving since it happened mo chridhe, but I needed to care for ye too.”

She looked at him, finally feeling his grief resonate through the hands that still held hers, feeling him shake.

“It was my child too, Claire. Am I no allowed to mourn in my own way?”

Her fingers dug into the skin of his shoulders, as her face pressed into the hollow of his chest. Her shoulders shook with renewed cries as she nodded. He held her, rocking back and forth to soothe her. When at last her shaking had subsided, she lifted her head, her brown eyes, puffy and red meeting his. 

“Come, Sassenach, let's get ye back to bed. Ye need to get some rest.” Jamie turned them both, leading her to their bed. She moved trance-like, her eyes downcast. Jamie frowned, tightening his grip on her waist, as he lifted her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to her palm. She glanced up at him for the briefest of moments before her gaze dropped once more. 

“I'm here, Claire. I will always be here. Dinna forget that.”


	5. The First Step

_Present_

 

She couldn't possibly have any more tears left. 

Claire struggled to open her eyes, half-glued together between sleep and the dried evidence of her grief. She felt raw, open, and utterly spent. Despite having slept for what felt like forever, exhaustion pulled at her limbs, urging her back into the oblivion of sleep. 

She didn't want to move. 

Didn't want to think…

.. or _FEEL._

As soon as her eyes opened she recoiled at the light filtering in through the blinds. Groaning at her attempt to roll onto her side, away from the window, a sharp pain stole her breath. Freezing, Claire eased herself back down, fighting the fresh wave of emotion stinging raw behind her eyes. 

“Sassenach?” 

Her husband's voice was soft, almost a whisper. “Claire?” 

“J...Jamie” her voice was cracked, half muffled from the pillow. 

Jamie was immediately at her side, one hand cupping the side of her face. 

“Claire..I.. I dinna ken what to do.”

She frowned. Her face still half hidden in the fields of her nest.

“Mo chridhe, I ken yer still in pain, but I dinna ken what to say, or do without...weel I dinna want to cause ye any more.” 

“Jamie..”

“I called yer doctor, Sassenach and she said I would need to bring ye in to see her, as soon as ye feel ready.” 

“JAMIE.”

He met her eyes again, how it hurt to see the shadows lurking beneath her lashes. 

Claire pushed herself up on one arm, more level with her husband. She knew he had been crying too. His eyes were red, with dark bags beneath. 

“I do need to go to the doctor. I probably should have done so already. I'm sorry I wasn't really in the best mindset..”

“Christ, Claire, I saw ye. I knew..”

“Please. Let me finish.” 

He gave a nod.

“I'm in a lot of pain. I'm very tender so I need you to help me dress and you'll probably have to help me to the car.”

“Aye. Whatever ye need, Sassenach. Just let me know.”

She wore an empty smile, even as he took her hand, kissing the ring he had claimed her with. Her eyes were focused on the dark navy sheets between them. Claire knew he was watching her, but she couldn't make herself look up. 

She startled when his lips met her forehead, felt him shift beside her. He lifted her porcelain frame, bringing her to nestle in the security of his arms. The solid thrum of his heart below her ear helped soothe the shattered bleeding of her own. 

“I've got ye, mo chridhe.” 

“I know.”

*******

Several hours later, they finally made it outside the bubble of their apartment. Claire felt choked, in the watery sunlight as Jamie placed her gently into the front seat of their car. 

The ride was uneventful and silent. Claire couldn't bring herself to speak the words bouncing around her in her head. Eyes down, she focused on the violent twisting of her hands, chewing on the soft inside of her cheek, in an attempt to keep her swelling emotions at bay. 

Jamie knew his wife was battling her demons. Glancing over, he reached out, gently tugging her hands apart before lacing his fingers with hers. 

“This is no the end of things, Claire. We'll get through this. I ken we will.” he brought her hand to his lips, pressing a hard kiss to her cool fingers. She looked up at him, with half-hearted nod, before turning away, pressing her head against the window. 

*****

“I think therapy, of some kind would be good for the both of you. I do have a few suggestions of you're interested, but you are welcome to find something yourself.” 

Dr. Andrea Leslie was a small thing, blonde and pretty with a light smile and kind eyes. She looked between the couple in front of her, sensing the heartbreak that hung heavy in the air, thick like smoke. 

“Claire. I know this is hard, but you know as well as I do that you need time to heal. Physically and emotionally. Having a strong support system is one of the best things you can do to help ease the burden.”

Claire looked up from her lap, meeting Andrea's eyes. “I don't know if I'm strong enough.”

“Dinna say that, Sassenach. Yer the strongest person I know.” 

She gave her husband a weak smile. “I don't know if I can make myself go.” 

“They do have therapy groups for couples who have gone through infertility and miscarriage.” 

Andrea leaned over her desk touching Claire's arm. “We know you can get pregnant Claire. We just need you to realize that. I know it's hard, but I truly believe you and Jamie will be parents one day.”

“How could you possibly think..”

“I just believe it will happen. There are treatments we can try, when you're ready. Methods to help pregnancy along. Bedrest, monitoring and the like. You're a doctor yourself, Claire you know there are many ways to help.”

Claire bit her lip, glancing over at her husband, trying to gather his thoughts. He held her hand and her gaze, open to her.

_I'm here, mo chridhe._

_I know you are._

_Ye willna do this alone._

_I wouldn't dare try._

_Aye, ye would. Yer braver than ye think._

_But what if.._

_Tell me._

I'm scared. 

_I'm terrified myself. But we should try._

“Well?” Andrea broke in. “If you would like you can both go home and think it over. Talk to each other. Decide what you want to do and then from there we can form a plan.” 

“Aye.” Jamie turned towards the doctor, blinking rapidly. “I suppose yer right. What say ye, Sassenach?” 

“I'm sorry. It's just so much to process.” 

“That's to be expected. Decisions like these are not to be made lightly. If you do decide to go through with treatments, my personal recommendation is therapy first. Even more so because you have already gone through loss. Women who undergo treatment must have support. It doesn't always work the first time.”

“I understand.”

“Good. Now remember if this is the path you both wish to take, I'll expect to start treatments in the coming months. But remember you need to take care of yourself, not only for you, but your husband as well.” Andrea turned to Jamie. “The same can be said for you. You will have to be her support more than ever.” 

“Aye. I will do anything I can.”

“Good to hear. Now if neither of you have any more questions or concerns, you are both free to go. However feel free to get in touch with me if you need anything. I am always willing to help.” 

Andrea smiled as she stood from her desk, watching as Claire and Jamie gathered their things. “We will get through this. I have faith. 

“Thank ye, Doctor.”

“Please, Call me Andrea.” She shook Jamie's hand before turning back to Claire. “And Claire, even if you're at work and something comes up, I'm only a page away.”

“Thank you, Andrea.”

“Come, Sassenach. Let's get ye home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Back! Sorry for the long delay. My rl took a huge turn right before Christmas and I had a lot of crap I'm still dealing with. Good news, the wait for Chapter 6 will not be very long! It's almost finished and I expect it no later than next week! Thanks you so much for everyone who has stuck with me I really appreciate the support and encouragement you have all shown. <3 <3


	6. Support I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank MClairfras for her help with this story. Thank you so much for your support.

_Present_

“Care to stay a bit for a dram before ye head back?”

“No thank ye, Ian. I best be getting home. Ye ken well I try not to stay gone too long right now. Plus we have our first meeting tonight.”

“I see. How's Claire then? Is she doing better? 

“Aye. Physically, she's fine. But it hurts to see her so… Ach well she's no really been herself these past few weeks.”

“I canna imagine.” 

Jamie shook his head. “I keep feeling like there's more I could have done. I should have been there when it happened.”

“Jamie.” Ian's hand was firm on his shoulder. “Ye ken well there's nothing ye could have done. It's awful what ye both have been going through, but ye have to stay strong for each other. If what ye tell me is true, ye’ll both need each other more now than ever.”

“Aye. I just.. she wants this so much. I'd give her all the bairns in the world if I could. But to see her heartbreak each time…”

“It's no an easy thing, seeing the woman ye love hurt.”

“Aye. I can bear my own pain but I canna stand seeing her so.”

“You ken Jenny and I are here too, if ever ye need us.” 

“I ken. And I thank ye for it.” 

“Good. Now get home to yer wife. Send our love.” 

Jamie stood alongside Ian embracing his brother in law. A weight had been slightly lifted from his shoulders as he had filled him in on everything. 

Ian had come into the city on business and had called Jamie who just happened to on his way to Inverness to meet a client. Jamie had an overnight stay while Claire worked and was due to meet her later this evening before heading to the local clinic's community center. There was a therapy group scheduled tonight for couples in the same situation Jamie and Claire had found themselves in. 

Jamie found he was hesitant to go. It wasn't a question of him actually doing it, as he had already promised not only his wife, but Dr. Leslie as well. It was more that he wasn't quite sure what to do. 

People talked in therapy. Group meetings like this were common among those needing support for a variety of reasons. It was just, hard. Jamie had been to one of these groups before, when he was still a child, after the sudden death of his mother and baby brother. 

He could remember being in a room full of other kids, trying not to squirm while they all tried not to look at each other. 

It didn't work out much then. 

After only a 3 meetings Brian Fraser informed his son's therapist that he was done and he would not be returning. Jamie, young as he was had very quickly returned to his smiling, happy self. 

But this was so much different. 

It wasn't just him anymore. 

******  
“Sassenach? I'm home!”

“In here!”

Setting his things down, Jamie made his way to the bathroom, finding Claire nervously plucking at her curls. Immediately his hands covered hers, stilling their movement as his chin found its resting place on her shoulder. Their eyes met in the mirror.

“Nervous are ye?”

“A little.”

He chuckled. “Aye, I suppose I am too. But ye ken we dinna have to share everything right away.”

“I know that. But it's still a bunch of people I don't know.” She turned his arms moving naturally to her hips, large fingers pressing into the softness of her curves. “I'm a doctor, Jamie. I've never really been on this side of things.”

“I ken that, Claire. But you'll do fine. Dinna go in there as a Doctor. Just go in as yerself.”

“But that's what I am.”

“Aye it's who ye are, but it's no what ye are. Yer a mother, mo chridhe. Yer a mother mourning her children.” 

Light fingers pressed under her chin, bringing her eyes back to his. “Just because our bairns dinna make it, doesna mean there were no loved.” 

“Jamie…”

“Aye, I ken, but we remember them. Always.”

She let her forehead drop, finding its partner with his. “What did I do to deserve you?”

“That's my line, Sassenach.”

 

**************

“It is always bittersweet to welcome new members to our little group. We are thankful for the new faces, and the new journeys you all face, yet we all mourn the reasons why we are here. Still there is always room for hope. This is a reminder to us all that none of us are alone. Our journeys may lead us all down different paths, but we all are in want of that same goal.” 

A small murmur of agreement rippled through the room, and Jamie found himself settling easier into his seat.

“Families can be many things, children are the greatest blessing, this is true, but so is the love we have for our siblings, parents and our spouses. Each of us have a desire to bring more joy and love into our lives and sometimes it does not all go according to plan. Then again, life rarely goes the way you expect it.” 

This time quiet laughter flowed around the circle. Jamie glanced at Claire, whose eyes were fixed on the speaker, lips caught between her teeth, the tiniest movement of her chin as she took a breath. 

“Jamie.”

He blinked, realizing she had turned to him, looking concerned. Her mouth started to form something when his attention was caught by a gentle noise. Eyes darting to the source he realized everyone was watching him. Jamie could feel the flush rising along his neck as he cleared his throat. 

“I'm sorry,” He coughed. “I was just..”

“No worries.” An older woman with kind eyes smiled back. “We understand. We were just introducing ourselves.”

“Right. My name is James Fraser, but ye can call me Jamie.” He reached over, taking Claire's hand. “And my wife, Claire.” 

“It's nice to meet ye both. Would ye like to share with us what brings ye both here?”


	7. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note, things might pick up a bit from here. I've also gotten a few people asking me about my reasons for adding certain points. As I mentioned before, this story was written in honor of a good friend. This is HER journey, as much as it is Claire & Jamie's

_Would ye like to share with us what brings ye both here?”_

Why they were here? It seemed such a simple question should have a simple answer. Yet the words jumbled together between her lips, twisting her back into silence. 

She could feel her heartbeat. 

A deep breath, then another. 

Claire bit her bottom lip, guided by the firm pressure of her husband's fingers wrapped around her own. “Jamie and I.. have been trying to start a family.”

She looked up and caught Jamie's eye anchoring herself to his strength. “For the longest time, I never believed I was capable of having children. Then, I got pregnant.” 

The older woman nodded. “I see. Yer no alone in that. I myself was never able to have bairns.”

“Everything was fine.. until.. it wasn't.”

“Ye puir dear. I'm sae sorry.” 

“Thank ye,” Jamie said, as he wrapped an arm around Claire's shoulders. Claire could only nod, her lips drawn in a tight smile, hands, twisting the soft edges of her sweater. 

It felt so different being on the other side. As a surgeon, Claire had gotten quite used to delivering bad news, trying to comfort those in pain. She herself had seen countless faces mourn when bad news was given and relief when things went well. Still, it was an odd feeling being the one comforted.

An old wrinkled hand reached out, stilling Claire's hand. “It's okay dearie, ye dinna have to share anything ye dinna wish to. We all ken the reason yer heart mourns. 

She looked up as a ripple of quiet agreement moved around the group. Kind eyes watched with her encouraging smiles. One young woman pressed her hand again her heart, as their eyes met. “I'll keep ye both in my prayers, as we all do.”

“Thank you.” the words came easier as she looked around, still supported by the strength of Jamie's arm.

“I.. that is, Jamie and I appreciate that.” 

********

**6 weeks later...**

The sound of retching woke him up. 

Without opening his eyes, Jamie knew Claire was no longer in bed. Sitting up, he could see the thin sliver of light underneath the bathroom door. 

Then that noise again. 

“Sassenach?” 

A low, miserable sounding groan answered him. 

“Are ye alright?” he slid out from between the sheets, moving almost silently across to the door. “Claire? Can I come in?”

A few seconds of silence followed by a whimper was the response. 

The door clicked open and Jamie blinked, trying to adjust to the light that flooded the doorway. Shaking his head he rubbed at his eyes, before he saw her, sitting on the floor opposite the toilet.

Her face was hidden from him, as her head rested on her knees, which were pulled almost to her chest. Her mask of curls hung almost limp around her, hiding her from view. 

“Sassenach..”

Jamie slid down the wall beside her reaching to pull her into his side. Claire shook her head, as she attempted to pull away. 

“I'm not feeling well Jamie.”

“Aye. I can see that. But do ye ken why? 

Her curls bounced as she nodded. Her voice slightly muffled.

“Just side effects. It happens.”

“Ah. I didn't realize they would start so soon.”

Claire looked at him out of the corner of her eye, a wry smile on her lips.”

After nearly two months going to their support group, Jamie and Claire had sat down and started to work out a plan. The decision to begin fertility treatments was something they both worried over. Despite their longing to start a family, there were many other concerns to think about. The cost alone was steep regardless of which option they chose, yet after weeks of talking and planning, the decision was made to try. 

Dr. Leslie had gone over the different methods with them, suggesting the best options would be to look at oral medications to start. As Claire had been able to conceive naturally, Dr. Leslie felt that surgery was too extreme a path right away, while IVF wasn't really necessary...yet. 

Claire had gone for her first solo appointment with Andrea the day before. She had gone through another series of tests and they had decided on the next steps. Jamie had wanted to be there but had an important meeting. Claire had insisted she would be fine on her own and kissed his cheek, sending him out the door. The pills she had brought home had come with had come with a rather peculiar set of instructions. 

_“We have to have sex.”_

_Jamie started, looking up from where he sat at the kitchen table, papers in hand._

_“Right now?” He glanced around the kitchen, he eyes settling for a moment on the bar separating the kitchen from the living room. “Not that I'd say no to ye..”_

_“No, not right this second,” Claire said with a laugh. “Unless you want to take me to bed?”_

_“Sassenach, ye ken well I always want to take ye to bed.” He reached out a hand to take hers, pulling her into his lap. “I could spend forever in bed with ye and never tire of it.” He kissed her shoulder, drawing his stubble across the exposed skin of her collarbone. “Surely ye ken that I always want ye. There is never a moment when I shall refuse ye, as long as ye welcome me into yer bed.”_

_He looked up at her, his eyes dark. One hand took hers, bringing her fingers to meet his lips._

_She shivered, her lip catching between her teeth. She could feel the flush rising up her neck as he spoke, her eyes locked with his._

_“Take me to bed Jamie.”_

_He grinned. “It will be my pleasure, Sassenach.”_

He had gotten to his feet, with her in his arms, and taken her to the bedroom. He had given himself to her, over and over, until they both had cried out, clutching hard to each other to anchor themselves to something solid. 

Hours had passed with them wrapped around each other, each afraid to shatter the peaceful spell that settled around them, the sound of their hearts beating in unison. 

She had explained then, in the dark the details of her appointment. Andrea had given her a prescription for a fertility drug called clomifene something that was supposed to help with her low ovulation. 

“Our goal is to get pregnant.” Claire had whispered. “If that happens. Then we will go from there. Andrea suggested that I take a few weeks off from work, to allow time for me to get used to the medications.

He had looked up at her, seeing the dim light catch her eyes. “When would ye need to do that?”

She shrugged. I have already. I have enough time saved to take off for at least a month. I thought it might be best to start right away.”

He had muttered in agreement. “What else did she say?”

“She said that my ovulation was lower than she expected. That's why it took nearly three years for us to conceive the first time. That's why she had recommended we try the pills first.”

***

“I'm sorry I woke you up.”

He smiled. “Dinna fash Sassenach. Is there anything ye need?” 

Claire groaned. “I need sleep. But I can't get comfortable. I'm either too hot or freezing. I have absolutely no energy.” She turned towards her husband, nuzzling into his chest. 

“Well, let's get ye up off the floor.” He stood, pulling her gently to her feet. “Get back into bed, Sassenach, and I'll bring ye some tea. 

Claire groaned. “I love you.”

“Aye. I ken.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
